Decaf or Regular

Sometimes I claim to be decaf but in reality I am regular or vise versa. Sometimes what I give to people is not who I am. God has been unraveling this truth about myself. Do your insides match your outsides? Sometimes we think we have it all together but in reality we have nothing together. I guess what I am trying to say is that I have lived in false places and thought it was alright to live there 'cause no one really knew the truth about me, and as long as they believed differently, then it was alright. The beauty of God is that He sees right through us and that He loves us enough to call our bluff. But not only calling our bluff, but also helping us walk out of it to truly be what we claim to be. ~Shawn MacDonald

These words ring in truth deep inside me. I understand the heart of this, and lately I have been convicted of living it. I wonder what people would think if they saw the "real" me. Would they be shocked? People call me so spiritual. They see me as a leader. A counselor. Someone who knows so much of the Truth. Well, maybe I do, and maybe I am. But God sees the inside. He sees the questions I have unanswered, and unasked. The ones He is patiently waiting to reveal in me so He can answer them. For example, lately, He has spoken to me on the topic of "grace." I used to think I understood grace. The fact that I don't have to earn God's love. That I am saved by faith in Christ Jesus alone. I thought I lived in it, and lived an example of it. WELL. I started to study the book of Galatians and was told that "I HAVE been crucified with Christ, and it is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me." Well then! Ponder that one a while, and consider the sin we live in each day. Come to find out, I don't really have to pray. I don't really have to do anything. I get to. How amazing is that???? How freeing??? I don't have to feel guilty because I fall asleep saying my prayers. Don't get me wrong, I behave out of love for my Savior. I respond out of love. I GET to pray. I GET to have fellowship with God. But, there is no guilt attached, just forgiveness and grace. Abundant grace. Ponder that one a while!

So, you see, I am decaf and regular, all at the same time. I am a sinner. I am also forgiven. I live in this body of death, but live in grace and forgiveness. The hard part, for me, is to recognize when I am taking advantage of grace and not abiding in Christ. I want people to see what grace has done for me, not a covering of knowledge without the heart to go with it.